The Herring Voices

Frothing at the Mouth: Coconuts Edition

July 12 to 14, 1996

Da Table of Contents

Do Not Read This !

This is Herring Voices, the newsletter of the soon to be mighty House Red Herring of the Society for Creative Anachronism, Inc. Herring Voices is not available to the general public, but some how, some way, copies may find their way into your possession. If this does happen, chances are we're observing you... or there was another mix up with the postal service.

It is rather obvious that Herring Voices is not a corporate publication of the SCA, Inc., and doesn't come within a herring's throw of delineating SCA policies.

We are all irresponsible. Mother Herring sends greeting.

All submissions must have been created by a member of House Red Herring and can be sent to where it will be forwarded to the proper authorities.

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Top Ten Sayings in House Red Herring

10. Does that come in pink? (Cecilia)
9. What do you mean it isn't normal to learn to sew, make two sets of garb, and make period shoes within two weeks of joing the SCA
8. Hey, wanna play a drinking game?
7. What? You can't put a colour on a colour?
(our Herald of two years)
6. Where did Seth and Algernon go?
5. Look! It's Lord and Lady Hichey!
4. I lost me buckle
3. Who wants to make me garb?
2. Did anyone see my small human?
(the mommies)

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A Viking's Guide to Proper Etiquette

Many questions have been asked regarding proper etiquette. Hopefully these few guidelines will avoid future dismay.

  1. When approaching the dinner table, refrain from looting and pillaging thy host's home.
  2. Once seated, thy helm should be placed on the floor, NOT on the seat beside thee, as to avoid skewering other guests.
  3. When being served, take merely portions and NOT entire trays.
  4. Utensils are a MUST! They are located at the right and left of thy platter. Those who have no direction sense, look around your plate and you will eventually find them.
  5. When wine is being served, follow step 3, substituting the word trays for bottles.
  6. If drinking from the bottle is tradition in the country thou are invading, DO NOT BACKWASH!
  7. Do NOT play with, or cook food over candles or tapers.
  8. To avoid embarassment during a toast, make sure thy mouth is devoid of food to avoid upsetting your host.
  9. Keep belching and flatulance to a dull roar.
  10. Once feast is complete wait for a period of one hour before battle to allow digestion.

Note: should the town be on your list of places to loot and pillage, now that the feast is over it would be the appropriate time to begin.

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Probable Herring Fates

Algernon Aubrave.
Last seen running from object hurled by Skallagrim
Allan atta Highcliffs
Drinking Pex at the Pennsic in the sky.
Bjorn the Nameless
Spending eternity thumbing a ride to Valhalla.
Bryan the Bonny
Subject to a sword-point wedding to Chloe.
Cecilia the Bountiful
Followed by a dozen offspring fathered by different lords.
Celestria Wells
Dies of a broken hip at the age of 103 whilst engaged in an act of intimate courtship (but only because she fell off the horse she and Damien were on).
Chloe the Chaste
Mother to 45 children.
Crystian the Undecided
Buried alive in paperwork.
Dakota Gregory
Queen of Ealdormere by Right of Arms.
Damien the Desperate
Dies of a broken heart (after shooting the horse).
Mixing Celt and Scot traditions, Donall paints himself plaid before going to battle and suffocates due to lack of air to the skin... he used Tremclad.
Elizabetta Venusta
Chased by angry housewives.
Gillian Cordwainer
Pursued off the end of the earth by a hoard of zealous suitors.
Pipe-organ player for all of your finest cathedral and hockey needs.
Jhone of Woodcotte
Burnt in a fire at an inn of ill repute.
Johnadam Hook
Appointed as Royal Mailer by Queen Loki.
Juliana the Eager
First in Ealdormere to receive an award for niceness.
Lachlan MacLeod
Enfeebled old man who sits in the roadway and begs haggis from passerbies.
Liki the Mighty
Queen of Ealormere by Right of Arms.
Lost in the fog of her own crystal ball.
Myrrah MacLeod
Pale old woman who runs all sorts of odd establishments.
Quinn the Questionable
After years of training, he runs into his first battle and trips and falls onto his own sword.
Roland the Ragged
Killed in a random sewing accident.
Seth Caius the Innocent
Stubs his toe.
Sheeva the Restless
Crushed by 500 pounds of raw meat.
Sigurd the Fluffy
Swalloed by the World Serpent Jormungandr.
Skallagrim the Frenzied
Inhaled by the Dragon of the North Sea during battle, sneezed out, then drowns in the mucus (all at the age of 108).
Valerian Ryder
Lost in the shuffle.
Wilfrid of Swifflingham
Drowned after a fire on board ship whilst bound for the Holy Land.
Wilhelm von Schrecken
Aimlessly wandering the Known World in search of he-knows-not-what.
Willamona Loveday
Discoversthe Fountain of Youth and is never heard from again.
Xavier the Infantile
Dancemaster of Ealdormere.
Yermak Krushchev
Burnt at the stake for cross-dressing.
Captain of her own pirate ship.

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In the household of Red Herring
The dancers are so daring
They constantly flee
So they won't get stuck with me
They are very uncaring

There once was a woman named Mother Herring
Who got drunk and lost her bearing
She fell with no couth
Onto Algernon's tooth
And we're not letting her live it down

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Sung to the tune of Peaches (by Presidents of the USA)

Living in the middle ages
Gonna eat me a lot of pheasants

Pheasants comes from the bush
We shoot them in the tush
With our arrows and spears

Took a nap by King's Point Bay
It lasted most of the day
And I dreamed about... pheasant

Woke with one right in my face
Took it right back to my place
For m'lady to prepare

MIllions of pheasants
Pheasants for me
Million of pheasants
Pheasants for free

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The Unwanted Ads

Seneshal (soon-to-be-at-large) seeks shire or small kingdom in need of mouty, intense grinning dictator-type. Also interested in any unrewarding, under-recognized, non-paying shire or principality-level officership. Please contact Skallagrim the Frenzied. (This message has been brought to you by the Adopt-A-Seneschal Project of Northern Ealdormere.)

Loki the Mighty seeks squireship with any widely known and undefeatable knight.

Extra time? Need money? Algernon Aubraye seeks to purchase extra time from any having a surplus. Will be used for combat training purposes.

Sitter required. Must be willing to sit in own home. Fenced in yard, plenty of water at hand, and large play area are necessary. Knowledge of oversized fire-breathing lizards an asset. Shot are a must! Contact Celestria at Pits House of Dragons, one mile south of Dragon's Eye Bay.

By comand of the King, Damien's House o' Gems has been closed. Mr. the Desperate is sought after by the Royal Guards for theft of the Royal Jewels. See Guard for more info or if you have any knowledge of his whereabouts.

In response to Cecilia the Bountiful's ad -- I am a lord. Roland the Ragged.

Wanted: A pair of naked male legs for the afternoon of August the thirteenth. Contact Jhone of Woodcotte.

For Sale: One pair of men's underwear. Slightly used. Contact Robin Sansterre.

Escaped: Three herrings. Caution: The red one is dangerous.

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All illustrations by Celestria Wells