The Herring Voices

Come Squeak My Caber Edition

March 21-22, 1998

Da Table of Contents

Do Not Read This
House Red Herring Members -- If the Spellchecker was Herald
We Ask House Red Herring "What Qualities Do You Look For in a Sheep
Sheep Drover's Bransle
Dagnan and Skallagrim: An Ongoing Saga...
Unclassified Ads

Do Not Read This

This is Herring Voices, the newsletter of the sometimes mightyish House Red Herring (name and device lost twice by the herald-types) of the Society for Creative Anachronism, Inc. Herring Voices is not available to the general SCAdian public, although copies sometimes find their way into strange places and non-Herrings have reportedly read it without feeling any ill effects (unless they have a nervous stomach where bad jokes and/or non-period pseudo-literature are concerned). It is possible that if you are given a copy of this newsletter that Herring collective is observing you for possible future voluntary assimilation. Remember, you cannot run or hide from your ridiculous side... it is a part of you and you must become one with it to achieve harmony in the universe... or not.

It is resoundingly obvious that Herring Voices is not a corporate publication of the SCA, Inc., and does not come within a bent herring's throw of delineating SCA policies. Actually, if the corporation knew about us, they'd probably hurl.

CREDITS
We are all almost totally irresponsible. Mother Herring sends cold, squishy greetings.

SUBMISSION REQUIREMENTS
All submissions must have been created by a member of House Red Herring, a Herring candidate, or must have been stolen fair and square.

!! SPOON !!

House Red Herring Members -- If the Spellchecker was Herald

Alasdair --> Alaskan
Alexa Kleinschmidt --> Alexia Kleinschmidt
Algernon Aubraye --> Algebraic Aubrey
Allan atta Highcliffs --> Allan at Highcliffs
Andree Mac Byrne --> Andrea Mac Byron
April Hope --> April Hope
Auguste Valizan --> August Valise
Boag --> Bag
Bjorn the Nameless --> Born the Nameless
Brand Thorvaldsen von Braneau --> Brand Thorvaldsen on Brunei
Bryan the Bonny of Limerick --> Bryan the Bonny of Limerick
Caitir O'Neil --> Cater Oneida
Canut Sandholder --> Cannot Landholder
Carlotta de Mendicci --> Carlotta de Medic
Cecilia the Bountiful --> Cecilia the Bountiful
Celestria Welles --> Celestial Wells
Chloe the Chaste --> Chloe the Chaste
Cliff Hope --> Cliff Hope
Cody of the Crop Circle --> Cody of the Crop Circle
Colin Syme --> Colin Same
Conon --> Colon
Crystian the Undecided --> Crystian the Undecided
Damara of Stormhaven --> Samara of Stormhaven
Damien the Desperate --> Damn the Desperate
Darien DeLyon --> Darien Dylan
Donall Kilcoyne --> Donald Killdeer
Dougal the Dingy --> Douglas the Dingy
Drake --> Drake
Elizabetha Venusta --> Elizabeth Vents
Eoin O'Beirne --> Eon Obeisance
Erdrick Anderson --> Eric Anderson
Eric Majalahti --> Eric Majalahti
Erick of Longacres --> Eric of Longacres
Evan Quick-Tongue --> Evan Quick-Tongue
Evangeline Thompson --> Evangeline Thomson
Exmo --> Exam
George son of Thom of Apple D'Or --> George son of Tom of Apple door
Gillian Cordwainer --> Gillian Corduroy
Gwyn Whitedragon --> Gwen Whitedragon
Habiki --> Hibachi
Hamish the Black --> Hermit the Black
Hrolf --> Harold
Jedediah of Ellsworth --> Jeddah of Ellsworth
Jhered Mynglwyd --> Jeered Mingled
Jhone of Woodcotte --> John of Woodcut
Johnadam Hook --> Johnadam Hook
John Cooper --> John Cooper
Juliana the Eager --> Juliana the Eager
Kinga Rhiamon --> King Rhino
Lachlan MacLeod --> Loch McAllen
LAWRENCE KILLRAVEN --> LAWRENCE KILLRAVEN
Loki the Mighty --> Loki the Mighty
Linnet the Lusty --> Linnet the Lusty
Michel --> Michael
Myrrah MacLeod --> Myrrh McAllen
Quinn the Questionable --> Quinine the Questionable
Raven-Dagnan --> Raven Dagger
Rhys ap Bledri --> Rays AP Balder
Rhys Saethydd --> Rays Seethed
Roak --> Roak
Roland the Ragged --> Roland the Ragged
Sanchia --> Santa
Seth Caius the Innocent --> Seth Cause the Innocent
Seymour of Ardcreag --> Seymour of Ardcreag
Sheeva the Restless --> Shiva the Restless
Sigurd the Fluffy --> Sigurd the Fluffy
Skallagrim the Frenzied --> Skald the Frenzied
Thomas DeWyntour --> Thomas Dewfall
Torold Ellistane --> Trolled Elision
Ulvar Van Der Nederlanden --> Lever Van Deer Nederlanden
Virago of Vest Yorvick --> Virago of Vest Yorvik
Warric Stillbhard --> Warier Stillbhard
Wilfrid of Swefflingham --> Willard of Swift
Wilhelm Caimbeul --> Wilhelm Camel
Wilhelm Von Schrecken --> Wilhelm On Stricken
Willamona Loveday --> Willable Lovely
Xavier the Infantile --> Wavier the Infantile
Yasuf Al-Din --> Yasmak Al-Din
Yermak Krushchev --> Yamaha Krushchev
Yrianna the Undecided --> Iranian the Undecided
Zillah --> Zilch

We Asked House Red Herring "What Qualities You Look For in a Sheep?"

Algernon Aubraye: A good fleecing.
Crystian the Undecided: Fluffiness and good nature.
Damara of Stormhaven: Game but not gamey, with mint-fresh breath.
Damien the Desperate: I always look for a good set of teeth... you see I love the way they nibble on... oh... err, grass.
Donall Kilcoyne: A sense of hu-maaaaaaaaaaa.
Dougal the Dingy: One that's easy to catch.
Jhone of Woodcotte: How long has it been dead? (ie. is the meat still good? Is the skin worth curing?)
John Cooper: I look for ewe in a sheep.
Kendra: Must be good and woolly (keeps you warm at night).
Lachlan MacLeod: Handholds.
Lawrence Killraven: Two words: "re sale".
Linnet the Lusty: One that's easy to follow around which keeps Dougal nearby.
Mulachi the Babe: That they understand that we're only on loan from Skallagrim.
Quinn the Questionable: One big enough to hide behind from the women-folk.
Raven-Dagnan: One that is spirited and feisty (I like a good tussle!). But the most important trait, the one that says to me... "that's the sheep for me" is one that can look me in the eye as if to say, "Go ahead Viking... give me your best shot." I like a sheep with gumption.
Rhys ap Bledri: That's easy: Medium rare and mint sauce.
Roland the Ragged: A slim non-smoker with no lambs.
Seth Caius the Innocent: One without a bell.
Skallagrim the Frenzied: Whether she's got good, lamb-bearing hips.
Wilfrid of Swefflingham: Does it float? How much parchment/leather/piles could I trade that for?
Wilhelm Caimbeul: Anything, as long as it understands that whatever it does to me it has to do to Mulachi.
Willamona Loveday: I like a charismatic sheep with talents as a bard, after all, a sheepish sheep is too conventional and a sheep who can't spin a yarn is not worth a mutton mitten.
Zillah: Whether it would make a good cloak.

Sheep Drover's Bransle

A Bard's Nightmare in Progress

(to the tune of the great Canadian classic,"Logdriver's Waltz")

If you ask any lass, from the farmland around
About what she likes most about life when she's sober
She'll name many things, but what she likes best...
She sure likes to dance with her sheep drover.

For he goes tossing sheep along the moorland
That's where the sheepdrover learns to step spritely
'Goes tossing sheep along the moorland
The sheep drover's bransle launches a girl completely.

Well to please both my parents I've had to make nice
And dance with the nobles and merchants and vikings
If I had my way I'd leave them with their dice
And go off and dance with my sheep drover.

For he goes tossing sheep along the moorland
That's where the sheepdrover learns to step spritely
'Goes tossing sheep along the moorland
A sheep drover's bransle launches a girl completely.

Dagnan and Skallagrim: An Ongoing Saga

Since this story is rather long, it has been relegated to its own page.

The Unwanted Ads

Are you a Lord that has 'misbehaving' fiefs? Having trouble keeping your 'unruly' subjects under control? Well, your problems have been solved! Experienced young couple willing to instruct on the fine art of obedience. Please reply to: Old Castle on the Hill, down the stairs, into the dungeon, past the rack, third door on the left. Lords without dungeons (or suitable accessories) need not apply.

Young couple seeking large amounts of workable leather (preferably black). Also seeking metal studs and other accessories. Please reply to 'Old Castle on the Hill,' above.

Young dragon seeking damsel in distress to work as live-in maid. Must be attractive and have a good screaming voice. Auditions will be taking place next week on the Commons. Long hours... but pays well!

Lost: The Pickled Salamander Inn, last seen where the sign of the Rampant Stout now hangs. Sorely missed. Needed by Frothing, one week after the next solstice.

Damsel in distress seeking knight in shining armor to save from old castle on the hill. Please reply to 'Old Castle on the Hill,' above.

Notice: To the most foul Vikings that scour the seas, Raven-Dagnan and Skallagrim the Frenzied, I demand that you return to me my valuables! If you return to me my three pigs, four sons (sentimental value), and my lame footed horse (also sentimental value) I will forget the indignities you inflicted upon my person... inflicted many times, I might add. Return to me what is mine, and I will give you my new wife's five children from a previous marriage in exchange. I am sure that they will be much better suited to fill the hole in your longboat than my pigs... and I offer you my cousin who is a Scot to place as the figurehead of your vessel rather than my beloved Phillip (a most beautiful horse...). You know my address... just follow the tendrils of smoke that is the remnant from your last visit. Sir Vidimus of Toodles.

Lost soul searching for enlightenment. Solution must not involve pain, fasting, running around with undergarments over head, changing genders, or sacrificing small barnyard animals. Contact Roland the Ragged. I'll be the one dazed and confused shivering half-naked behind the market on the Vernal Equinox.

Seeking individual willing to go through labour and delivery Bonfield weekend so I can make it to the event. Pay is not excellent, but the chirurgeons provide Demerol. Contact Skallagrim the Frenzied