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The Herring Voices

Bonfield VII Edition

September 3-6, 1999

Da Table of Contents

Do Not Read This

This is Herring Voices, the newsletter of the sometimes mightyish House Red Herring (name and device lost twice by the herald-types) of the Society of Creative Anachronism, Inc. Herring Voices is not available to the general SCAdian public, although copies sometimes find their way into strange places and non-Herrings have reportedly read it without feeling any ill effects (unless they have a nervous stomach where bad jokes and/or non-period pseudo-literature are concerned). It is possible that if you are given a copy of this newsletter that Herring collective is observing you for possible future voluntary assimilation. Remember, you cannot run or hide from your ridiculous side... it is a part of you and you must become one with it to achieve harmony in the universe... or not.

It is resoundingly obvious that Herring Voices is not a corporate publication of the SCA, Inc., and does not come within a bent herring's throw of delineating SCA policies. Actually, if the corporation knew about us, they'd probably hurl.

We are all almost totally irresponsible. Mother Herring sends cold, squishy greetings.

All submissions must have been created by a member of House Red Herring, a Herring candidate, or must have been stolen fair and square.

!! SPOON !!

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Herringed Rhymes

Little Lady Crystian sat upon a cushion
Scribing her scrolls for the day
Along came Lord Lawrence
With more rec's from Florence
Which curse words made Crystian say

Singing for his supper, singing for his rye,
Donall called Squire makes the young girls sigh
When his mouth but opens he begins to sing
Isn't he a proper choice to be a Red Herring?

Little John Cooper, blow your car horn
Willa is waiting for the babe to be born
Where is the cop to escort your car
Out of rush hour traffic to your home afar

What is Wilheem made of, what is Wilheem made of?
Duct tape, rattan and beer in a can
What's what Wilheem is made of.
What is Mulachi made of, what is Mulachi made of?
Henna and prancing while Arabian dancing
What's what Mulachi's made of.

Cecelia has a lovely Magnus,
His hair is long and shiny.
Whenever we tell him to go away
We always watch his hiney.

Sethy-wethy not so shy
Kissed the girls and made them buy
When the boys came out to play
The girls told them to go away.

S'more War, S'more War, Eirik Man
Throw your marshmallows as fast as you can
Pelt 'em and chuck 'em and drink 'em in your tea
And save some for breakfast for Damara and me!

Celestria and Thorvald went up the hill
To fetch a pail of cider
Thorvald fell drunk out the top bunk
And got a child inside her.

Marguerite's pottage hot, Conon's pottage cold,
Conon's pottage in the pot with 9 days of mold
His lady likes it hot, Conon likes it cold
Conon likes it in the pot with 9 days of mold
(with a bit of rancid venison on the side).

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Q: My momentary lapse of reason lasts all day. What should I do?
SKAL: Sign up as a berserker on a raiding party. We seem to run out of those rather quickly.

Q: I'm an Olympic longboat oarsman and I need to rid myself of some unwanted arm and leg hair which causes wind resistance. What would you suggest?
SKAL: Well... you could always use a dull axe, because it scares the hair from growing back -- with the added bonus of giving you the oozing scrapes that are so in this year with the young people. My only other suggestion would be to go a long time without eating fruit or vegetables. A good case of scurvy'll usually take care of unwanted hair.

Q: A longtime friend has recently come for a visit after a 2 year absence. Before she went back home she used my child to steal from merchants, borrowed (or took) my things without asking, "borrowed" money I couldn't afford, etc... etc... She's betrayed my friendship -- should I lie to her about why I won't see her or should I tell her the truth?
SKAL: Tell her the truth -- if she visits you again you'll go Viking at her place.

Q: Uh, Skal... I have this embarrassing problem that has to do with shrinkage in cold water. What should I do?
SKAL: What do I look like... Martha Stewart?! If cold water is giving you that kind of problem, I'd really suggest staying away from the hot! But seriously, it's not like the sheep care anyway.

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We Asked House Red Herring... "If you were getting handfasted and had to write your partner's vows, what would they be?"

I promise to OBEY!
I promise not to hold you to any of this.
I promise not to tell your other husband.
I promise not to hold you to any of this.
I promise to remember that you really belong to Skal.
I promise not to hold you to any of this.
To have and to sing with until death, or somebody else more talented, do us part.
: To always be by my side... For richer or poorer (especially after I spend all our money on reeealy rare paste -- mmmmmm paste)
In health and in sickness (especially self-inflicted, alcohol related sickness -- re: last year's Bonfield)
In sanity and insanity (what's so wrong about running around naked, howling at the full moon -- doesn't everyone do that?)
Oh yeah, and to scratch me behind the ears a lot.
Ivana the Oblivious
I promise to fetch and carry, to adore and adorn with fine jewellery, and to leave the sheep alone.
Damara of Stormhaven
I vow to care for you, to play with you, to laugh with you, and to always bring back lots of gold and presents and pool-boys for you.
Roland the Ragged
I vow to love you always, honour you as you honour me, and be the only man in my life, forever faithful and true to you... just like all the other women in your harem.
Damien the Desperate
I, <insert name here>, do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the who--no no no...
I, <insert name here>, do pledge allegiance to the United States of Ameri-- NO... not that either....
<sigh>, how about...
I, <insert name here>, being of sound mind and body hereby beque-- no, it just doesn't sound romantic.
I, <insert name here>, do.
Yes... short, sweet and to the point.
Moirghana the Mad
I don't rightly remember exactly how the vows go, but they'd have to include stuff like:
  1. Hold my sword while I pillage
  2. Write sonnets for my ears alone
  3. Fetch my friends and I drinks... amongst other things (nudge nudge)
  4. Kids... I want kids
How many of these things do I get to demand... uh, I mean... ask???)
It depends on which wife.
I promise to bring you dead boar before it begins to bloat.
I promise to knock you up a second time, finally.
Whatever Cecilia says.
Seth Caius the Innocent
I promise not to cut you off for all of the stupid things you'll do.
Skallagrim the Frenzied
I promise to OBEY always and in all things.

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Top Then Things NOT to Say When Trying to Woo a Non-Herring

  1. Woo!!!
  2. Nice Tail!
  3. Oh sorry, I thought you were my sheep.
  4. Your dress really brings out your eyes, but don't you think it'd look more fetching in polyester?
  5. Would you mind waiting here while I toss the Duchess?
  6. You must be from a private school.
  7. Why isn't your chastity belt made of duct tape?
  8. Whadda ya mean there's no duct tape in your dowry?!
  9. I hate it when we get to the stream late and we have to sit in the 140th row.
  10. Baby, you really bait my hook!

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Herring Thoughts

  • If a Herring needes glasses, how would they stay on?
  • Sometimes I think that if we all owned more empty mayonnaise jars we'd have eater more clubhouse sandwiches.
  • If we left all the men to live alone, who would do the thinking?

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Clipped from Fishnet

Eirik: Your tent was stolen? How?!?!?
Willa: Like this? **POOF** sneak... sneak.... sneak......
Linnet: Well, I have a ground floor apartment with a small balcony -- I had left the tent in the garbage bag that I had packed it in (it was really dirty..) overnight on said balcony. (Keep in mind that it is a solid concrete balcony -- you cannot see through the railing at all.) I went out the next day to put it up to dry, and it was gone. *shrug* I have no idea who took it, or what they will do with it -- I still have the poles..
Willa: Maybe you should post a big sarcastic sign to the thief suggesting they at least come get the poles so the tent doesn't go to waste.
Skal: Well, my first thought was that perhaps the thieves were making a gargantuan pita sandwich and couldn't find anything better to use as a pita. My second thought was that a group of guerrilla poles (that's "poles", rather than "individuals of Polish descent" that were canvas-less poached your tent during a midnight round of Hole in the Wall (or was that "Hole in the Balcony"?!) during which the original poles that went with your canvas were so tired from holding the canvas up through War that they failed to give their canvas the attention it needed where upon said canvas contrived to be stolen by some fresh and less droopy poles, which were more satisfying under the stars, shall we say. I mean, it's all very reasonable... you can't expect a self-respecting canvas to wait around all night twiddling it's grommets, hoping for some pole it's been paired up with to regain its vigour... if you know what I mean. A canvas has needs...
Wilheem: All I can say to this, is even after the rigours of war, and the onslaught of a stint at Bonfield, MY tent is very happy with the sturdiness, and quality of performance of its poles, and the poles are more than willing to hold up the tent once again for as long as necessary:) Perhaps everyone should sit back and contemplate the relationship between their tent and its poles before going any further.
Willa: Uh oh. What's the implication in that I sleep in a hammock without the need for poles, while Chris sleeps in his tent alone? His tent requires six very flexible poles, each of which slip through several grommets at once. I'll join him if I'm cold or wet.
Wilheem: PS, as for what they'll do with a tent without poles, my thought would be parachuting, but then again, that's only from the eyes of an eight year old:)
Willa: That's not much of a jump, is it? I mean an eight year old's eyes are typically only about four feet off the ground.

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WANT AD: Loking four my marbles. I had them when I left the faeries, but can knot seam to find them. Reward of two cat's eyes if found. Please lok four Donall at Bonfield if found. Danka!

FOR SALE OR TRADE: Willa sized garb available following our expected birth in November. Must make room for new wardrobe of 'nursing' barb. Gored dresses, shifts, and warm tunics must find a new home. Also available are assorted pieces of men's garb that don't really fit John Cooper's size or taste. Some newly sewn, some well loved. All pieces will be mended and in good repair. Contact Willamona at the events or in Mundania.

SWF gypsy interested in learning Norse customs, loves the outdoors, sheep-curious, looking to meet a wealthy Viking with many sheep and a lot of patience -- Ivana

LOST: My heart. Last seen being tenderly cared for by a certain fair maiden who shall remain nameless -- Roland the Ragged

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