It is resoundingly obvious that Herring Voices is not a corporate publication of the SCA, Inc., and does not come within a bent herring's throw of delineating SCA policies. Actually, if the corporation knew about us, they'd probably hurl.
SKAL AND DAG THE CONTINUING SAGA...
As the enemy vessel pulled up alongside the sisters' longboat Skal glowered at her sister, growling, "Dag, if you could keep your mind off of your oarsman's pants for two seconds you might have noticed we have company!"
Dag lobbed an ax at Skal's head and replied, "Not my fault." Skal ducked the half-hearted murder attempt as Dag continued, "We're just going to have to get uglier oarsmen." The sisters drew their favourite axes from the back of the Saxon they'd killed hours ago in a fit of boredom (and whose body they kept on board, feeling that axes perform better if kept reasonably warm). They were quite unconcerned despite the surprise arrival of enemies, as Ma had taught them early in life that one must always be prepared for unexpected visitors. Unfortunately for the sisters, however, Ma had never prepared them for the impossibility of a boatload of non-Viking males that could actually fight.
Seeing as how the enemy vessel boasted a crew more than four times the size of the sisters' (and none of enemy's crew were chained to their oars, although they were all dressed in skin-tight black vinyl), it soon became apparent that the sisters had no chance of winning free. The captain of the other vessel (at least, they assumed he was the captain because he wore a ridiculous amount of gold tassels on his tabard, and sported a ludicrous floppy black hat) shouted for silence over the din. A man whose groin area was having the unfortunate experience of being ground under Dag's boot had trouble complying, however being dumped overboard took care of that.
The captain stuck an impressive pose and boomed, "I am Seth, the Innocent one. I order you now to surrender to me and I may consider being lenient with you."
Skal and Dag began to chuckle uncontrollably and began whispering to each other. Captain Seth began looking more than a little put out. The captain was well known to the sisters as they had all gone to the same Viking summer camp one year, even though Seth was not a viking, but a Roman or Saxon or some such. They also knew that Seth was far from innocent of pretty much anything, and had a penchant for the... um... bizarre...
"DEATH BEFORE BONDAGE!!" the sisters bellowed, and were about to charge when they had a change of heart. They paused suddenly in mid-berserk, regarded each other, and whispered a simultaneous, "what the hell" before jumping voluntarily into the enemy vessel.
Captain Seth was somewhat taken aback. "Aw! You two were supposed to be taken prisoner, not board willingly. Don't you know how this works?!" He paused, eyeing them more closely, and suddenly seemed to recognize them. "If it isn't Dag and Skal! Up to the same old, eh?" He drew himself up and sighed a little in disappointment. "Well, I can at least show you around my ship."
Seth spent some time showing off his ship the aptly named S.S. Andem, and explained that he'd been searching the seas for, uh, things he hadn't yet tried. Skal raised an eyebrow at Dag who began laughing uproariously, as they both knew him by more than reputation.
"Well," he gave the sisters a polite nod, "Please feel free to terrorize my crew. They like that sort of thing. Now I must go where I haven't been before!" and therefore departed for his cabin where a hapless Miss Vinland had tripped and fallen into a Norman French Maid's outfit...
Just as they were about to disembark in order to reboard their own ship, the back of Skal's neck tingled and she dodged to her left. A stale marshmallow zipped by her head and hit Dag squarely in the temple. Dag steadied herself on her ax and both sisters glared around in time to see a young man with curly black hair duck behind a pile of coiled rope. Dag picked up the offending confection, which had fallen to the deck when its trajectory had been so rudely interrupted, and hefted it menacingly. "You're in for it now, boy," Dagnan growled, leaping over the coils of rope and landing on top of the young man. She tore the rock-hard marshmallow into four bits and stuck one in each of the boy's ears and nostrils. He shook his head violently at such treatment and struggled to escape. Dag lost her grip on him, her head still swimming with the effects of mild concussion and a few too many ale that afternoon, and the young man bolted for cover.
Which was behind a giant teapot.
The teapot seemed to belong to a man who sat upon a very interesting carpet in the middle of the deck. The teapot and many teacups were set as though in anticipation of company. The man awarded the sisters a dazzling smile and beckoned with a wave of the hand, "Come, come, nasty-looking warrior-type people. Make yourself comfortable on The Magic Carpet and share my Ealdormerian Tea." The sisters drew their swords and placed them across their knees as they sat cross-legged he had said to get comfortable, and although the sisters had never heard of this thing termed, "t", they hoped that it would be at least somewhat alcoholic. They were not disappointed. The man poured out and politely offered them each a full cup, while he took a third. A hand groped from behind the teapot, grasping for yet another cup, and the man slapped the younger man's hand away. "My name," the charismatic man said, "is Valizan. Auguste Valizan. I am but a humble passenger on the S.S. Andem." The sisters had trouble believing that this man was ever humble. "You just arrived? I've been on board for three weeks. I was visiting family out East and am now returning to Ealdormere. Is it just me, or does the captain seem kind of... weird? Like he gnawed through his tether, or something. I hear he doesn't have all of his shots."
The sisters were inclined to agree, and over the course of several cup-fulls of tea, grew to very much like this Valizan fellow.
Despite the fuzzing Valizan's refreshment produced in them, Dag's eyes eventually strayed back to where the young man had sought refuge behind the teapot. Valizan waved a dismissive hand in his general direction, "Ignore Eirik. He's a pom-pom boy, and although we've tried to shake him of that nasty marshmallow habit, he keeps missing his therapy sessions with Wise Woman Crystian."
His explanation was cut short when suddenly Captain Seth skidded to a halt in front of them with a goofy grin on his face. "Anyone got a can of lima beans?!" he panted. The others regarded each other with raised eyebrows. Dagnan reached into her vest and pulled out a 12-ounce can of them, handing it to him slowly as though it (or he) were about to go off. Captain Seth grinned harder (if that was at all possible), yelled "woo hoo!" and gallivanted happily back off in the direction of his cabin.
Wanting to forget the whole sordid affair the sisters did what they did best (other than that, of course)(and also other than fighting, using colourful expletives, and co-ordinating their outfits). When the sisters were good and kippered, being in a magnanimous mood, they opted to let Eirik go free on one condition. They knew how to break him of his marshmallow habit the same way Da broke uncle Snorri of his penchant for writing poetry. As Skal pinned Eirik down to the deck, Dag stuffed his mouth full of marshmallows and prodded him with her ax until he hopped up and down on one foot chanting, "I'b godde a wovewy bunche ob gogonuts!" over and over until he collapsed from exhaustion. Valizan shook his head in dismay, regarding Dag and Skal and glibly stated, "You are two twisted sisters!"
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Fall Longboat Clean-Up Sale! For sale or lease: 10 used oarsmen. Variety of styles, shapes and languages. Mostly housetrained. Skilled at rowing, begging for mercy, groveling, and macramé. If interested contact Skal or Dag. Cool weather means cool deals!