The Herring Voices

Bonfield IV Edition

August 30 to September 2, 1996

Da Table of Contents

Do Not Read This
Pet Peeves of the Members of House Red Hearing
Jokes
Thor The Viking War God
Top Ten Ways to Annoy Your Mundane Friends
The Unwanted Ads

Do Not Read This

This is Herring Voices, the newsletter for House Red Herring, formed by members of the Society for Creative Anachronism, Inc. Herring Voices is not a corporate publication of the SCA, Inc., and definitely does not come within a herring's toss of delineating SCA policies.

A hard copy of Herring Voices is available for the price of an SASE or for free if you can find us at an event and we haven't run out yet. This online version is available for the price of the electricity you're using.

All submissions have been created by members of the household, or have been borrowed from various anonymous sources. If you are a Herring and have a submission for Herring Voices, mail it to orion@cyberbeach.net and it will be forwarded to the proper authorities.

!! SPOON !!

Pet Peeves

Algernon Aubrave: In the middle of the night, having Seth wake him up to do Troll.
Allan atta Highcliffs: People calling him Lord Pez; trying to pronounce Skallagrim's name without a d.
Bjorn the Nameless: When he goes home and his kin is not where he left them.
Bryan (the Bonny) of Limerick: When people want to play with his sticks.
Cecilia the Bountiful: Needing to help her seneschal with the concept of chairs when she's drunk.
Celestria Wells: Having to go up at court to accept other people's awards.
Chloe the Chaste: When strange women want to play with Bryan's sticks.
Crystian the Undecided: Mortality (Morality?)
Dakota Gregory: Not being big enough to wear mommy's armour.
Damien the Desperate: Pet peeves.
Donall: When he gets dusty from putting his kilt on.
Elizabetta Venusta: People chasing gypsies off her father's property.
Gillian Cordwainer: Seth.
Hrolf: Not having a portable organ.
Juliana the Eager: When the other Herrings don't believe she's a rock.
Lachlan MacLeod: Strange Vikings coming up to him and insisting he looks exactly like their long-lost cousin or brother.
Linnet the Lusty: Being chased off of people's property.
Myrrah MacLeod: The outdoors.
Quinn the Questionable: Being stuck in trees during torrential downpours.
Robin: Being called My Lady.
Roland the Ragged: Those pesky Vikings.
Seth Caius the Innocent: Having to do Troll after hours of losing at Toblaro.
Sheeva the Restless: Being called up at court when she's away shopping.
Sigurd the Fluffy: People hiding things (like quills, spoons, fish, small pavilions) in his hair.
Skallagrim the Frenzied: Being strung up by her intestines, covered with dung beetles, and forced to sing songs about polka-dotted camels. That or getting a really bad cold that makes it constantly feel like you ducked your head under water and forgot to plug your nose.
Thomas DeWyntour: Being waylaid into strange households by stranger people.
Valerian the Voluntary: Having to chase off all of those pesky gypsies.
Wilhelm von Schrecken: Getting lost in Europe.
Wilfrid of Swifflingham: People giving archers the order to fire at will.
Willamona Loveday: Poison Ivy.
William Campbell: Working... which gets in the way of playing.
Xavier the Infantile: When he can't stop drooling and ruins his tunics.
Yrianna the Undecided: Nearby encampments yelling to keep the revel down to a dull roar.
Zillah: Sinking pirate ships.

Jokes

Q:How many Vikings does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Four. One to turn the light bulb, and three to throw axes at him just to keep things interesting.

Q: How many scribes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They do their own illuminations.

Q: How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Herring!

Q: How many Celts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If it's not plaid and not woad, we're not interested.

Q: Why did the Viking cross the road?
A: Because the sheep was following the chicken.

Q: Why did the seneschal lie on the road?
A: Because she was told to resign.

Q: Why did Seth fall off the road?
A: He thought it was a bridge.

Q: Why did Skallagrim go to the chiurgeon?
A: Getting too curious during winter fight practice, her tongue got stuck to the inside of her helm.

Q: How many Brennisteinn Vatnians does it take to hold a meeting?
A: Thirty-one. Ten to call with excuses, five to talk about mundane topics, three to play basketball, two to play on the swings, ten to dance and one to occasionally come back to the point and be patiently ignored.

Q: How many Brennisteinn Vatnians go to meetings?
A: Well, what exactly is classified as a meeting? The beach? The bar? The playground? Yard sales? The movies? Or the seneschals or herald's apartments on movie nights?

Q: What would you call a group of Herring fighters going into battle?
A: Unlikely.
A: Hopeful.
A: Dead.
A: Clever for getting around armour inspection.

Thor The Viking War God

Sung to the tune of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer

Thor, the Viking war god
Had a very very big hammer.
And if any mortal man had it
They would draw it on their banner.

All of the other war gods
Used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Thor
Join in any warring games.

Then one foggy Ragnarok
Freyja came to say...
"Thor with your hammer so great
Won't you come to my room tonight at 8?"

Then all the she-gods loved him,
And they shouted out with glee,
"Thor the Viking war god,
Next you're going to have to try me!"

Top Ten Ways to Annoy Your Mundane Friends

Display your SCA paraphernalia all over your house
Serve period dishes at mundane dinner parties
Name your children after obscure historical figures (with odd or difficult to pronounce names).
Learn to speak in your persona's period tongue, and keep switching to it partway through conversations.
Sing the SCA filk version of songs whenever you hear the original version on the radio.
Keep bugging them to come to meetings or events.
Tell them amusing anecdotes about things that have happened at events that need so much explanation to mundanes that they eventually fail to be humourous.
Criticise the authenticity of historically-based movies that you watch together at theatres.
Quote Monty Python whenever possible.
Have a Medieval wedding and demand that all attendees wear garb.

The Unwanted Ads

Lost: One deerskin belt pouch. Brown with red crest on front and teeth marks on back. Thirty gold pieces inside.

Toilet leaflets for sale. Used only once.

To trade: One male child for one silver-coloured fire-breathing dragon (or best offer).

Found: One deerskin belt pouch. Brown with red crest on front and teeth marks on back.

To trade: One gently used lord for a nifty spangen-helm. Please contact Skallagrim the Frenzied if interested.

Missing: One young gentle by the name of Quinn the Questionable. Last seen boarding a sailing vessel for unknown lands. He is sadly missed, and is needed back in his home shire. If found please return to House Red Herring.

In search of beginner armour, size VIx. Please contact Loki the Mighty.

Lordy me, look who's three (and full status)!!! Congratulations Brennisteinn Vatn!

All illustrations by Celestria Wells