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The Herring Voices

Frothing at the Mouth: Moist and Lumpy Edition

June 13 to 15, 1997

Da Table of Contents

Do Not Read This

 This is Herring Voices, o'fishal newsletter of the mightyish House Red Herring of the Principality of Ealdormere of the Society for Creative Anachronism, Inc. (not Anarchism or Acronym). Herring Voices is not a corporate publication and doesn't come within a drunken-backwards-with-eyes-closed herring's-throw of delineating SCA policy. Actually, if the corporation knew about us they'd probably disown us!

House Red Herring is a collective based on the equality of all of its members, as well as on the tenet of extreme silliness (without nastiness). We love everybody, and all people are welcome to join the household, if they pass initiation. [Gee. I STILL haven't been initated, so am I a member yet? -- Roland the Ragged, Webmaster]

Herring Voices is a collection of works written, drawn, and pillaged by Herrings.

WARNING! Some people may find this offensive... Please do not take this publication seriously!

!! SPOON !!

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Top Ten Reasons Why Mother Herring Believes Her Children Are Not Destined for the Throne
  1. No manners.
  2. They won't stop their running about and dancing business.
  3. Most of our fighters are truly awful (but then again, they're new at this).
  4. They know the other Herrings would never kneel to them without being paid (collectives take the fun out of hierarchies).
  5. You're more likely to find them at the tavern than at court.
  6. They can never remember to use people's titles.
  7. No matter how many awards they get they'll always be rabble.
  8. You're more likely to see poultry fighting in a tourney than a Herring.
  9. The heralds won't pass anyone's arms (makes for bland ceremonies).
  10. They won't quit sniffing each other.

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Top Ten Reasons Why Herrings Decided to Seek World Domination
  1. Some people were taking themselves entire too seriously.
  2. We thought it would deter royalty from making us lords and ladies (they gave us AoA's but it still didn't work).
  3. We'd make it a kinder, weirder society.
  4. We have nothing better to do.
  5. We believe everyone wants to be assimilated.
  6. We didn't know Menken would award us for it -- or was that for being nice?
  7. We believe that there are enough silly people in the society that we just might do it.
  8. Why not?
  9. It sounded like fun.
  10. It phrase reminded us of dogs sniffing each other.

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Top Ten Herring Pick-Up Lines
  1. I'll show you my device if you show me yours.
  2. Excuse me, is this knee taken?
  3. Is your sporran normally fluffy, or are you just happy to see me?
  4. Ooh, nice whip.
  5. Let me help you get out of that sweaty armour.
  6. Are you wearing that regimental?
  7. Wow! I brought away too much mead to this event.
  8. That's okay, we can work something out in trade.
  9. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was MY tent...
  10. So... who's your princess?

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A Modest List of Things You Do Not Wish to Hear at Dance Rehearsal
  • Galumph, galumph... CRASH!
  • If Skallagrim and Algernon fall off the end of the stage, do not act like lemmings and push the dancers in front of you off too!
  • No, no! I'm the girl this time, remember?!
  • Gentlemen, gentlemen! The one of you with the longer hair (or shorter beard) can be the girl this time.
  • Why does Skallagrim keep stealing Cecilia? This is the Korobushca!
  • That's NOT where your hand goes, Willamona!
  • So we're on in five minutes? Okay, what dances are we doing?
  • No one move! I lost my contact!
  • Are you sure this dance traditionally involved putting five snakes in your breeches, Jhone? Are you SURE the dance Laurels will be watching?
  • Skal! That's EXACTLY why you're not supposed to dance armed!
  • Where's Algernon with the damned key?!
  • Wil! Quit playing with the jelly and come dance!
  • It's Toss the Duchess, NOT launch the peasant, Damien!
  • Steal partners, NOT purses.
  • At the demo call the dances Horses Bransle, Black Nag, Trenchmore, and Gathering Peasecods... NOT two steps to the left and then it's two steps to the right, the galumphing dance, the decapitation dance and the mnyaanh dance!
  • My dagger says you're dancing in this set, Seth, understand?!
  • I don't care if you sprained your ankle, Linnet -- Just walk through this time.
  • Get a room you two!
  • What do you MEAN Quinn is in Paris? We need him for the demo!
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We Asked House Red Herring "If You Were Made Prince(ss) of Ealdormere, What Would Be the First Thing You Would Do?"

Algernon Aubraye
Relinquish all power to Skallagrim (who would use it to further our quest for known world domination).
Canut Sandholder
Give awards to groups who give their events interesting names.
Cecilia the Bountiful
Have sex on My throne.
Crystian the Undecided
Declare scribes a Principality treasure, and see that they all receive chocolate chip cookies or a suitable substitute.
Damien the Desperate
Decree that day a holiday... then quit.
Dougal the Dingy
Run in shock and alarm -- especially if crowned Princess.
Elizabetha Venusta
I would knight all members of House Red Herring.
Gillian Cordwainer
Decree that all chocolate chip cookies are My Personal Property. They're less expensive than men, and they taste better.
Jhone of Woodcotte
Give awards to all of the neglected worthy citizens in the North.
Lachlan MacLeod
I would pay off the guy who rigged it for Me... Wait! No! Are you writing this? No... Stop!
Linnet the Lusty
Chase Dougal's skirts and make it mandatory for everyone to be a gypsy for a year so I can chase them off my land.
Mulachi the Babe, Angel of the North
Well, I'm already an angel... So bring on the lithium.
Quinn the Questionable
I would make an official "Quinn Day" in which everybody does Questionable things (civilized, of course).
Roland the Ragged
Prohibit women from going topless in the winter months. A line has to be drawn somewhere...
Seth Caius the Innocent
Decree that all footbridges in the Principality must be made 6 feet wide and have guard rails.
Skallagrim the Frenzied
Hide.
Wilfrid of Swefflingham
Allow combat archery in Coronet Tourney.
Willamona Loveday
I would thwart my enemies -- not for vengeance, just so I could use the word thwart.
Zillah
I would issue a warrant to investigate the muffled screams emanating from St. Agnes Fountain.
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Documentable Norse Personal Names and By-Names for the Herring-Inclined

by an anonymous Norse Viking mum

Ahh, the selection of a Norse personal name. The very idea strikes terror into the hearts of many parents when naming their precious newborn. It is not a task to be taken lightly.

There is a disturbing trend, of late, for Norse parents to attempt to select the least awkward, humourous, disgusting or grating name they can find for their child -- a trend which must cease! Harmonious names are for victims, not vikings!

As such, I have compiled a short list of lovely Norse name which parents may wish to consider when naming their young ones -- especially if they are Herring. All of the following names were found in The Book of Settlements (a record of settlers in Iceland), and are all period as well as documentable.

The selection of boys names is substantially larger (unfortunately) than that for girls. The first category consists of names which simply sound humourous (the number in parenthesis is a page reference): Balki (a la Perfect Strangers, 20), Blaeing (35), Blaeng (76), Bodmod (37), Bork (a Swedish Chef word, 25), Gnup (this one kills me, 24), Naddodd (16), Siggtrygg (27), Smidkel (for the intellectual child, 30), Svart (HA HA, 63). This is, by the way, not a complete list. The second category is names which are words, or which may sound like words: Aud (aren't we all? 30), Birning (you can get a prescription for that, 24), Dadi (porno flashbacks anyone? 94), Gizur (31), Glum (24) and Grim (names for twins? 29), Gudbrand (better than a bad brand, 75), Gudrod (might make him popular with the ladies, 50), Half (of what? 56), Hoggvandil (better than a sheep vandal? 55), Hroar (17), Jokul (Norse "J" is pronounced as "Y", 83), Jora (just add an amusing by-name [eg. Jora Cock], 83), Kadal (not sheep, 101), Klaeng (41), Lambi (ah, those gentle vikings, 37), Odd (25), Saxi (will also make him popular with the ladies, 41), Skum (aren't we all? 37), Snorri (41), Snort (59), Sulki (a sulky viking? 57), Teit (35), Viking (67). First names are also often hyphenated if there are two chosen for the same child. One of my favourite combinations is "Hauk-Illugi" (87, 24). Ick! ;)

Female Norse names are renown for their frumpiness. In this category we have such gems as: Arnbjorg (34), Amthrud (33), and Lopthaena (33). Others, many of which are also lacking in grace but have the added attraction of sounding like or containing other words are: Aud (also appropriate for males, 23), Fridgerd (Kenmore or Frigidaire? 47), Gudrid (for the daughter you're trying to get to leave, 44), Hungerd (ooh, sounds mean! 30), Idunn (great fun with a by-name like "the Priest", 25), Oddbjorg (68), Oddfrid (41), Ondott (for that girl who's always punctual), Rafarta (ack!) 96 Thorny ("Hi, I'm Thorny", as the men drool [or run], 29). [And let's not forget the bestest female Norse name of all, whether it's in the book or not -- Björk :-) Roland]

Best of all is the Norse by-name. Usually come by later on in life, the by-name is traditionally given to an individual by annoying friends or by fond enemies (based on deeds, attributes, etc.). Norse by-names (like other by-names) are rife with Herringness. For example: Ale-Lover (101), Bile (87), Buck-Bottom (84), Butter (18), Cock (100), Cod-Biter (ouch, 46), Dangle-Beard (90), Foul-Fart (54), Grunt-Sow (66), Hairy-Breeks (93), Knob-Buttocks (57), Prick (75), Shaft (82), Slouch (93), the Bald (94), the Bent (36), the Bleater (34), the Chatterer (56), the Clanger (30), the Erect (ooh! 38), the Fish-Driver (45), the Gleeful (56), the Greyish (couldn't make up his/her mind, 56), the Horse-Gelder (great by-name for a woman! 39), the Stoopig (33), the Stutterer (39), Twist-Breeks (wedgie? 54).

In conclusion, there is a world full of humourous combinations possible for the naming of Norse people -- if parents would use their imaginations. If only MY parents had thought things through more thorough... I could be Hungerd the Frenzied Horse-Gelder...

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The Unwanted Ads

 Mother Herring will not be he responsible for any deafness caused by herring mating season.

Tavern wenches and boys wanted for the new inn The Pickled Salamander in Brennisteinn Vatn. Talk to Jhone of Woodcotte.

Call to all Vikings: Help Wanted. Disreputable men and women to join crew of Viking raiding party for an excursion planned for mid-May (depending on swiftness of reply to first advertisement). Target: the Saxon shore... and anything else we may come across along the way! Please contact Raven-Dagnan or Skallagrim_the_frenzied@pillagers&rapers-r-us.no.

Wanted to purchase: gently used lord for use as pell. Contact Skallagrim the Frenzied if you know a suitable candidate.

Herring escorts. Discrete and tasteful service available to add sauce to your life. Lunch or dinner encounters offered. Discounts negotiable for multiple bookings. Contact Edmund Bartelot.

Wondering who'll win the next Coronet Tourney? Desperate to know if you'll find love, happiness and prosperity with the lady you met at post-rev? Need someone to talk to about your banishment from your bedchamber? Herring Friends Network (formerly Cohoe's Psychic Line) wants you to call now! For advice on what house to join, who to squire to, whether to fight round or heater, whether to wear the orange hose with the pink doublet, etc., etc., you can trust our gifted psychics to impart their insanity to you. Descended from a long line of psychic spawning non-mammals, our herring friends have inherited their powers and want to use them to bilk you out of your hovel help you! Call 1-900-555-DUPE.

Wanted to Purchase: various basement appliances (racks, shackles, stocks, etc.). No calls, please. Enquire at St. Anne's fountain. Back door, down stairs, light candle, turn left, down stairs, through passage, turn right, down hall, down stairs, second door on the left. Come alone.

Sigurd's Souse & Louse Inn an Brothel. Fine Viking Dining for the whole longboat. Located between the burning village and the wavy fjord, across from Dagnan's Baithouse (vendor of 100% Norman thumb bait). Super Woden's day special -- buy one cow, get the second one at half price!

Lost: one small herring. Last seen with a side order of hash browns. Contact Zillah's Diner.

Wanted: two mid-sized children (boy or girl, no discrimination) to strap to hull of longboat for patch-work purposes. Non-returnable. Please contact Raven-Dagnan immediately.

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