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We Asked House Red Herring "If You Were A Food, What Would You Be?"

Algernon Aubraye

A coconut -- hard and hairy on the outside, and moist and lumpy on the inside.

Crystian the Undecided

A lemon tart.

Damien the Desperate

A bagal, so I could get cream cheeze spread on me every day instead of just on special occations.

Dougal the Dingy

A popsicle

Gillian Cordwainer

A chocolate truffle because I'm sweet with a soft creamy filling.

Jhone of Woodcotte

Plum pottage, because it's stodgy.

John Cooper

A prune -- everybody uses me but no one likes to talk about it.

LAWRENCE KILLRAVEN

Road kill stew (a bounty has been placed on any red delivery van)

Linnet the Lusty

Pickled herring.

Loki the Mighty

Lasagna.

Seth Caius the Innocent

Whipped cream.

Skallagrim the Frenzied

Lick-a-Maid Fun Dip.

Wilfrid of Swefflingham

Syllabub, for what happens to it before it is eaten.

Willamona Loveday

Oh, anything... Just bite me.

Zillah

Squash, because that's what happens when she goes into battle.

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Embroidery for Vikings

by an anonymous Norse Viking mum

Then I actually tried embroidery. And I despised it -- I absolutely sucked at it. My lines were crooked and I kept stabbing myself with the needle. However, after a short period of time I started to realize that you just can't buy trim gaudy enough to satisfy innate Vikingness. Not in the current middle ages, anyway.

The first decision you need to make is what design to transfer onto your garb. I don't suggest you freehand-embroider anything unless you are extremely artistic or are unconcerned with the outcome. You can choose designs from almost anywhere -- my latest few have been from the Internet.

Trace the design you want (try not to start with anything too large or you may get discouraged) onto tissue paper, and pin it on top of Dritz tracing paper (available at sewing and craft stores) and to the area of your garb where you want your design. Trace it again on top of the tissue paper and it will transfer onto your garb. Unfortunately, I find that the ink from the tracing paper often rubs off as you're embroidering, so I usually trace the design again directly on the cloth with a regular pen. If anyone knows a better way, please let me know!

Next, decide which colours to use. I suggest using as many colours as possible, just for that extra measure of gaudiness. You need embroidery floss at this point, which is dirt cheap and available at craft stores and most department stores.

Now, embroidery floss usually comes so that there are six small strands of tread making up the actual floss. To outline the design I use two of the six strands. You can separate them from the main thread after you cut it (I usually cut about an arm's length).

This is the scary part. You now take the sharp pointy thing -- called a needle by embroiderers (don't tell them I told you -- it's some sort of trade secret). Thread the embroidery floss through the part of the needle that has the hole (eye) in it, making sure that you leave about two knuckle-lengths of floss on the other side of the hole or else the floss will keep slipping out of the needle when you're trying to work (grrrr, grumble). At the end of the longer end of the floss make a knot by licking your forefinger-tip, winding the floss around it once, twisting the crossed thread between your forefinger and thumb, and pulling it tight.

Now, poke the pointy part of the needle through the wrong side of the fabric so that it comes up on a line of your design (the knot should be on the wrong side of the material). It might take a few tries before you get it right. After putting the thread up until it is stopped by the knot, you move the needle further along the line a bit (small stitches make nicer work), poke it down through the fabric and bring it back up in almost the same hole as where the floss came out originally.

Keep doing that following your lines until the design is outlined. I usually use black floss for this purpose.

Make sure when you embroider that you always hold your excess thread off to the same side, or your lines will be crooked.

Someone once told me that this is a variation of a stem stitch, but only an authenticity nut of an avid embroiderer will give a fig. The most important part is that it look good.

Next, the filler stitch. This is a split stitch which was taught to me at Forward Into the Past this year. It's done almost the exact same way as the outline stitch, except as you bring your needle up through the fabric, you go between the floss fibers of where you came up from the fabric last time. Repeat this stitch (I find going around in shrinking circles work best) until the design is filled or you want to change colours.

Both of these stitches are period for Norse people of the Viking age to use, I've been told.

Sources for obtaining designs: I personally like Norse Viking history books -- many times they have examples of period Norse artwork which can be simplified and traced. The Internet is also pretty good for this sort of thing, as is clip art -- but in both instances you have to be careful that it looks period (someone's bound to bring it up if you're not careful). If you're feeling especially brave, you can draw something yourself -- such as a gripping beast/person. It's actually kind of fun -- and at least it's an honourable Viking pursuit.

Good luck... you're going to need it with these directions! And remember: if all else fails, you can always use the needle as a melee weapon (check with your local marshal first) and the embroidery floss to sew your companions back together after the battle.

FINAL NOTE: make certain to hold your material taut while your embroidering, or use an embroidering frame. Otherwise your material will get all bunchy and weird looking.

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